I read a quote today that struck me deeply- and it said something along the lines of this: ““It’s important to remember that when you’re depressed you have to nurse yourself and be extra gentile towards yourself. Just like an athlete wouldn’t break an ankle then force themselves to run that ankle. They rest as it heals and do not think “I am a failed athlete” they think, “right now something isn’t working so I’ll take care of myself until it does.”

Just like a broken bone, depression can change the way your daily life plays out, and pushing yourself too hard and getting frustrated when you don’t feel better is just like trying to run on that broken ankle and getting frustrated when it doesn’t heal.” (via tumblr user jellie-bells)

Now, for anyone who knows me, they will remember the infamous accident that occurred a little over a year ago. I managed to fracture the knuckle of my big toe, compound the cartilage, and messed up the join in an additional way I don’t quite remember. Anyway, long injury description short, I basically broke my foot in every way possible. I then ignored the pain and the swelling because, hey, my toe still bent and I continued on with life. I ran on it, I rode horses on it, I did karate on it, ect. Then when my toe was still swollen and discolored three months later my mom took me into the doctor and I had to wear a boot for two months, get an MRI, and get a shot within the knuckle of my toe (10/10 would not recommend by the way).

In any case, this incident is prime example of the fact that I simply do not stop when my body is broken. This, rather unfortunately, has traditionally been a rule for my mental problems as well. This has led to the rocky upward climb of recovery that I’m sure many can relate to. And, the thing is, every time I have bad days and just know that I need to take a minute to breath I just add so much more into my schedule. I don’t want to take that minute to breath and think about my problems. I am so afraid of backwards motion and feeling as though I’ve “failed”. But what I came to realize today is that you can’t fail recovery- you only trip, but you don’t fall.

Because here’s the thing about those of us fighting mental illness- it is a battle that we are fighting 24/7 and we are warriors. I am a strong, courageous, determined women and I will be dammed if I am continuing to get healthier every day. A year ago I absolutely loathed myself and did not care if I got better or not- I thought I was the scum of the Earth and my anxiety and depression were quickly driving me down. But then I did the toughest thing I have ever done and probably will ever have to do- I made an appointment with a therapist. Since then the road has been rocky, I’ve tripped, I’ve slid down the mountain, I’ve made great breakthroughs, and most importantly I’ve kept going.

I know that I am never going to be the person I want to be- I simply set the bar too high for myself. But the thing is, after a year and half of almost weekly therapy- I am happy, I am joyful, I can handle my anxiety, I am proud of who I am, I constantly strive to be bigger and greater, and most of all, I love who I am. This self-love has been something I have worked so hard to obtain and now I can say without any doubt- I love myself, I’m proud of who I am, and I’m pretty freaking awesome.

It feels good to have come this far. I know I still have a way to go, but each day I get further and further up that mountain. And the best thing is that every step of the way I know I have the people I love helping me. I know without them I would never have gotten this far.

I am so proud of myself for coming this far- I know I will continue to stumble, but I will never stop going.

 

 

Just as a last note- I would like to mention that I would never have been able to come this far without the love and support of my amazing boyfriend Christopher. He has helped me go to therapy when I really did not want to, kept me focused on my goals, encouraged me to grow and stretch, gone to therapy with me, and most importantly has given me unconditional love and support. I am so blessed to have a man who doesn’t try to fill my voids, but instead helps me to fill them myself.