I promised in the about section of this blog to question life’s great what ifs, and today that happens to be “what if life without anxiety isn’t what I think it’s going to be?”

To give you a bit of a background I’ve had anxiety for as long as I can remember, it’s built into my genetic makeup, and has done quite a lot to try and ruin my mental state and therefore my life. I know you might be thinking, “Your mental state is all you, life is what you make it,” and while I think that is great, that’s not entirely true. After having been in therapy for a while now both my therapist and I know that my anxiety is not driven by cognitive distortions that can be fixed with continual therapy sessions. It’s chemical. And that chemical imbalance has slowly been driving me further and further away from the healthy well-functioning human being I should be.

Now, here’s the thing—part of me loves my anxiety. It’s what drives me. I’m a perfectionist, always have been, always will be. This coupled with my anxiety has driven me to max out my time with as many activities as humanly possible, let me list them off for you. I own and train a horse, I do two styles of martial arts, I am a full time college student, except for the past month I’ve worked full time for the last year, I’m currently working on getting my manuscript published, and I have a boyfriend and good friends that I like to hang out with. Now, properly planned out I can fit all these things into my day. The issue is I want to be the best at all of them, I cannot live with myself being average in anything. If I think I’m average I tend to call it quits and head home.

This black and white thinking leads to a severely packed lifestyle for me. And I can honestly say it’s completely driving me insane. However, I like the anxiety that forces me to be the best at everything because I love being the best at everything. I wish I could say the truth was otherwise, but I love telling people about all the achievements I have and all the things I do and excel at. I want to look like I have the perfect life, like I’m great at everything and have it all together.

But the thing is, I don’t have it all together.

I barely get any sleep at night because my brain is too busy worrying about trivial things I can’t control, because I adore controlling everything. I frequently forget to eat, self-harm when I think my actions have hurt others (which is hardly the case), and struggle with not feeling like I want the Earth to swallow me up so I can just not worry about anything anymore. Because I worry about everything. Everything.

So, as today is the first day of trying anti-depressants (which do also treat anxiety) I sit here in fear, quite anxious, at my loss of control over how my life will change. I like the way my anxiety drives me, and I don’t want to lose that drive. However, I don’t want to live with anxiety anymore, I want to be healthy. As I sit here, wondering if in the next few weeks my anxiety will go away, I ponder upon what life without severe anxiety will be like. I’m equal parts terrified and excited.